It’s A Wonderful Life...

I feel I’ve undergone an ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ moment in the last couple of months. Everyone has seen that film surely?! Well, if you haven’t you need to get straight on to Sky and BUY IT. Christmas is not Christmas without a bit of George Bailey in your life. I won’t go into the WHOLE film and spoil it for you, but believe me you won’t be disappointed.

Opening a new business is never something I’ve experienced first hand, sure I’ve opened stores for companies, watched my mum open businesses and others around me take this next GIANT step forward. And to a certain extent from where I came from, the general day-to-day running of things hasn’t changed, as I’ve always run departments or stores like they were my own. I was brought up with a strong work ethic but as some managers told me ‘was too ambitious’ (... yeahhh, I never knew there was such a thing either 🤷🏻‍♀️) Anyway, I never felt truly good enough for whatever job role I undertook. Never fully understood why I got job roles and couldn’t see what others saw...that I was obviously more than qualified and could get the job done. So basically I massively lack(ed) confidence. (My Mum always says to me ‘I wish you had the confidence that you look like you would have’ That makes sense out loud, right? 😂) This also leaked into my personal life in a big way. That feeling of never being good enough for someone and constant self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness were ruining me. To the outside world I appeared strong and ready to handle anything that anyone threw at me, but inside, I was struggling. My focus in life was quite frankly all over the place and in all honesty I was focusing on the wrong thing. I was constantly allowing people to make me question myself. And I was also allowing myself to do it. I didn’t know how to stop this constant cycle. Friends, boyfriends, it didn’t matter. Something would happen and I would instantly say ‘what did I do wrong?’ The truth on many an occasion was that I didn’t do anything. But I just couldn’t see it. Overthinking is the worst thing you can do, but how can you switch your brain off? Especially at 2, 3, 4 in the morning? I’ve always known that I’m a people pleaser. Always done what I thought people would want me to do, not what I wanted. Looked the way someone thought I should look, not how I wanted to. Doing things to please other people, to make them see the good in me. To make them happy. Sad, eh?! Only a few months ago I actually said to my best friend “Why am I even here? I don’t have a purpose, like I don’t do anything. I’m not a mother, I have no one to be responsible for. Who would even miss me if I wasn’t here? Yeah people will be sad for a bit but they’ll get over it. Life goes on and I’m not a massive part of anyones.” These thoughts consumed me for sometime and I would ask myself this constantly. Meanwhile returning to the crutch I had used for far too long. Alcohol. A glass of wine will make it better. Maybe two glasses. Well, a bottle then. This went from once a week, to a few times a week, to pretty much every night. I didn’t like who I was without alcohol so I was pretty certain that other people wouldn’t. If I had more confidence with alcohol in me then that confidence would shine through and everyone would be able to see it. I’d be a better person. People would like me, right?!! WRONG!!!!! Alcohol as we all know is a depressant so the thoughts worsened as the hangover kicked in. We all know that day after feeling. Depression. Overthinking. Overanalysing. Emotional. The whole hog. The truth was that what I actually needed was to like myself. And I didn’t. I hadn’t for a long time. And if you don’t like yourself then how can you expect other people to like you?! I had to stop this endless circle of life I was almost trapped in. I was living stuck in a certain time and I thought I’d gotten out of it numerous times - moving to London, Amsterdam, relationships. But sadly I had just “forgotten” about it for a short while, I hadn’t actually dealt with it. My Mum (my constant saviour) sat with me not so long ago and pretty much told me that I had to change. I had to start living instead of just existing. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know where to begin. How do you genuinely change the habit of a lifetime? Your mindset? Your entire self while trying to remain you and figuring out who YOU are? A minefield. And then I realised that actually overthinking and all these questions were pointless. I had to just do it. I had to change my focus and do something for me. Something that gave me a purpose in life, not just being in and out of unhealthy relationships. Relationships of all kinds at that. So all in one go I opened a new business, moved house and got a puppy. Like you do! 😂 The whole business process showed me that actually I was important. I was significant. I had made a difference to people. Not only did a whole panel of people read my proposal and believe in me, Lucy Rowley, and saw that I could bring something to the world of retail, but the support I’ve been shown from so many people is rather overwhelming. Every day I get up, see that my puppy is looked after (she’s utterly spoiled btw) and I go to work. My work. My business. What it’s done for my confidence is unbelievable and something I try not to overthink and ever take for granted. Everyone wants to be a someone in their own right. Be responsible for someone, something. It’s hard to lose sight of things as I had done so many times before. I’d lost myself in relationships, become a lesser person and I was the one who had done it. I had no one to blame but me. I was treating myself like a victim. You have to be your own person, I know this now. You have to be able to live a life for you. A person in your own right. The confidence and the self-awareness that comes as a result is almost unbelievable (to me anyway!) I never saw a time that I would feel a success. Worthy. That I would feel good as a single young (business) woman. But, it’s happened. I do. I know that nothing is set in stone and I also know that everything changes. But for once I feel in charge of my own life. I’m not answerable to anyone. I’m happy with me. ME. And it’s a good feeling I can tell you. It’s a very true story that everything really does happen for a reason. 

And off the back of that. Mental illness is everywhere. It’s riding the same train as you. It’s in the same coffee shop as you. It’s in the same wine bar. It’s all around. The stigma has to be broken surrounding mental illness and the only way that happens is by people standing up and talking about it. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, panic attacks since my teens and it’s only in recent years that it’s been classed as “ok” to talk about it. It is a sad fact that some people can’t see a way out and perhaps don’t want to be saved. But just being there and listening could change someone’s life. You don’t have to have answers. You don’t even have to speak. Just listen. Be that shoulder when someone needs it. 

Xxx